Oopsie
It looks like Trump's Epic Fury attack on Iran was a little more than Trump expected. Why couldn't it have been easy, like Venezuela?
Shhh … a private conversation
Hey Hegseth, let’s take Iran’s oil. They’re Muslims. Horrible people. They’ve got a tiny navy and air force. No serious standing army there and they don’t need the oil. They can just drill for more. I bet we could drop a few bombs, kill Khomeini and leave with boat loads of oil.
Such a no brainer. I shoulda thought of that in my first term. But never too late to put a good plan into action. Netanyahu and I have been working this for months, but no need to advertise this though. It could get people upset, you know the people vacationing in the Middle East, our embassies and their families. They might be worried about their safety, but they’ll be fine. We’ll send in a few planes to get them out after the dust settles. They get so excited over nothing. It will all work out.
Pete, for christ’s sake, you didn’t tell me about the problems getting the oil out of there! I though our ships could just load up the goods, sail right on through the Strait of Hormuz, sell the oil and deposit the money into my off short account. That was the plan, Pete.
Now you’re telling me the insurance companies are not willing to insure our tankers while passing through this ridiculously narrow Strait? Just tell them, Pete, we’ll have our battle ships go right along with them. That will work. Just get it done, Pete.
What do you mean the insurance companies are not budging? Go back and offer them something or threaten them and their families. I don’t care which but we’ve got to get the oil out of there before the whole Middle East blows up. I’m counting on that money. I might need it. If I loose the November election that chicken sh*t congress will try to impeach me. I need that money to pay people off. I need it now, Pete. RIGHT NOW!
Mr. President, we have a little problem. I don’t think it’s a huge problem, but it is a little concerning. Apparently one of our tomahawk missiles hit a school. Killed a bunch of kids. Just remember, they’re Muslim kids. They’re not like us. But the people around there aren’t taking it too well.
You know, sometimes calculating targets can be tricky. It was a simple mistake but as I said, the people there are not happy. It’s already out there in the news that it’s our missile so denying it isn’t going to work. Hopefully it will all blow over and be forgotten in a week.
Damned if the Vatican didn’t put a picture of buldozers digging the kids’ graves on the front page of their newspaper. That wasn’t helpful.
Now what do you want to do, Sir? Bomb something else for a distracion?
No? You don’t know how to get out of this? But Boss, you are so good at redirecting everyone’s attention onto something else. If I could make a suggestion - how about releasing the rest of the Epstein files. I just read that an inmate in the Metropolitan Correctional Center told FBI agents that he overheard a prison guard and others talking about covering up Epstein’s murder. Then everyone will be wondering who ordered Epstein killed. That will keep people busy for several weeks until you come up with another distraction. By then I bet everyone will have forgotten about our little military mistake.
No? Don’t want to do that? Well then, sorry boss, but this is above my pay grade. I’m sure you’ll think of something. You always do but in the meantime I’m outta here.
Uh-oh. I see Trump’s legs right behind me …
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